Those who have known me for awhile know that I was a huge Harry Potter fan. I pretty much left that bit of my life behind after the 7th book, but it was a big part of my life. A favorite memory is still traveling with John and Tim to Naperville, Illinois for the biggest book release party in the world. I had a memory of that time pop into my head recently. I guess I should say if haven’t read the 7th book and you don’t want to be spoiled a decade after it came out, stop reading. 🙂 Very early in the 7th book a chapter ends, and it seems very much like Hagrid died. I immediately started weeping and had to stop reading for awhile, because I was so upset. When I came back to read and turned the page, I found out that he did not actually die. I’ve been holding that memory, because sometimes you just need to turn the page to find out that things are not at all what they seem. Hagrid might live.

I’ve been reading a lot about anxiety, since Axes has been struggling with it this year. And all the advice is very helpful for me too. I’ve been treating my generalized anxiety disorder since my graduate school days- so quite awhile. 🙂 But I forget the advice all the time. People with anxiety focus on the negative and worrisome and discount the good. Now I know that there are people who won’t see this side of me, because the face I present is the side of me that works so hard to focus on the positive. And that is definitely what I try to do for others. But there is the voice inside. And that voice inside is a drama queen. She thinks every day is doomsday. Loves to get stuck on little details. To turn molehills into mountains. And she is tricky. You find one way to deal with her, and she tries something new. I named her Annie Xannie once. She is a part of me. And the best way to deal with her is to just let her do her thing. She really wants to be in control. Oh boy does she love control. The funny thing is, she cares a lot more about being in control than what is actually happening. I pick a word or phrase to focus on each year. This year’s phrase is ‘Fix nothing.’ So Annie Xannie, I’m not going to fix you. I’m just going to let you do your thing. But I’m going to do my thing too. Turn the page and see what happens. And I kind of don’t care what you think about that.

This first thing I do when I sit down to write is to read what I wrote the last time I sat down. I do this both for this blog and my personal journal. And every time, the words I read are just what I needed in that moment. I want to write more. I want to read more. I want to meditate more. I want to exercise more. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to realize my own potential and nurture the potential in others. I’ve been taking more time for myself lately. I reduced my work hours and that week committed to a year of investing energy in nurturing myself. My greatest joys come when I can make a difference in someone else’s life. But I haven’t been giving myself the things I need to be able to happily sustain a life of listening, helping, and being there. I am in it for the long haul. And I want to be centered and peaceful, because to the bottom of my heart, I believe that I was meant to do great things. Things that require me to be strong. In my previous message, I read about feeling weak. I still feel weak at times. I think starting crossfit was a good idea. I felt strong during and after the class. I’ve felt weak after lol. Dealing with the soreness. But I read something recently that successful people know that doing their life’s work is not easy. And I remembered reading about choosing your difficult. And right now I am reminded that I have really high standards. Pretty much across the board. I am intense and difficult, because I want so hard to be gentle and caring. And sometimes, more than I think, I need to let it all go, and just enjoy the ride. Tonight I will enjoy the ride. I will let it all go. And if I don’t let it all go, I will let that go too. ❤

I’ve been really wanting to return to my blog. I very much enjoy writing. And I hope that others enjoy it too, but really it is mostly for me. I just read my last post, and it was about how being kinder to yourself really is a step on the way to being kinder to others. I recently bought Axes a book called ‘What does it mean to be kind?’  And it spells out a lot of kind behaviors one of which was being willing to make mistakes and forgive yourself. Axes asked me why this was being kind. We got to have such a lovely conversation about how the way you treat yourself has a big influence on how you treat others. We didn’t talk too much about its effects on the way others treat you, but I think that is very true too. 

These coincidences- reading my post about kindness and getting Axes that book came at just the right moment. I am working very hard to be kind to myself right now. It is really difficult for me to say out loud, but lately I have been feeling very weak. Like a failure. And I tried very hard to ignore those feelings. To pretend they weren’t there. Intellectually I know there is much evidence for my strength. But the truth is there is also evidence for my weakness. And I was not being kind to myself. I wasn’t taking care of me the way I needed to. And first it started to take its toll on me in the form of many emotional and physical setbacks. And I tried to just power through. And it just got worse and worse. My body literally stopping me with immense physical pain crying out for me to take care of it. And to take care of my mind. And the truth is I started to be less kind and compassionate toward others when I was being less kind to myself. And that in turn made me think unkind thoughts about myself, since I place a very high value on kindness. A vicious cycle of unkindness. So I am relearning a lesson that I have had to learn before. That to be kind to myself is the path toward kindness to others.  When I take the time I need to figure out the ways to silence that inner critic, I am my best Alyssa.

And this has me thinking again about Axes. He struggles a lot with anxiety. Both his parents do, so not too much of a surprise. I got some really great books to help him manage it, and they’ve honestly been really helpful to me too. Our ‘worry bullies’ are different. I won’t go into his right now, but he knows that my worry bully tells me that I’m weak and I’m not good enough. That I’m not doing enough or helping enough. So go away worry bully! That’s a bunch of garbage!

I have so many other things I want to write about. Some new kitchen experiments, my renewed love for crafting, society’s messed up messages about divorce, feminism, fall, getting a dog!, books I’ve been reading, how much Axes teaches me every day, etc… so I hope I will take the time for me to do it. Because it’s fun. And it helps me to be happy, creative, and kind.

I encourage you all to do the same. Find out what you love to do and take the time to do it. You deserve it, and it is my sincere belief that following your heart and doing what you love unlocks the gift you were put here to give to the world. 

Recently there has been much attention brought to hatred and violence in the world. I would like to pen a post about recent events, but I am compelled to post today about self hatred and violence.

This morning I received the annual survey that I get as a member of the National Weight Control Registry. I was filled with dread and self loathing, because I have gained weight. But thankfully I had the foresight to stop myself. Very few people qualify to be a member of the NWCR. You need to lose 40 pounds or more and keep it off for a year or more.

Yes, I have gained weight. But you know what? The thing I should be feeling is pride and self compassion. Pride that I am still 50 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant with Axes. Pride that I fight every day to make better choices and live a healthy life. And I should practice understanding and self compassion with myself. During the time I have been gaining weight, I have considered and ultimately chose to change careers in a pretty drastic way. I have moved 1,000 miles away from the only place I have every lived and from the only people I knew until recently. I made the most difficult choice I have ever had to make by leaving a relationship with a person that I loved with my entire heart. I would never judge a friend for gaining some weight (even a substantial amount) during all that.

And when I practice understanding and self compassion with myself, it is easier to make the choices that are best for me. And it is easier to feel grateful for all the amazing things that have happened to me during the past two years, all the wonderful people I have met, and my continued relationships with friends old and new. And when I feel grateful, it is easier to feel good and make the choices that are best for me and best for the world.

I share these words not to pat myself on the back, but to share the message that we need to be kinder to ourselves. That when we are kinder to ourselves, we live better lives. And when we are kinder to ourselves, we are kinder to others. And so in all these calls for action, I guess I think maybe start by being kind to yourself.

The birds are chirping outside though the sky is pitch black. It’s all about birds in our household right now. 

 I’ve come to love springtime in Pennsylvania. My feed was full of pictures of inches of snow back in Minnesota. While I miss so much about the place where I was born, I don’t miss the long, extended winter. 

I recently read a very interesting poem about what we can learn from early spring- the way it comes and goes. It felt so appropriate to my life right now. Some days are light and beautiful while others are dark and gloomy. But if you pay attention, the signs of spring persist in those days too. It helps to not lose sight of the beauty that is coming when it’s not so obvious in the environment. To recognize that where you are in any given moment is not permanent. Often things change all on their own. And you can always choose where to focus your attention and efforts. And you can create what you want and what you need.

This is going to be an uncomfortably honest post, but I told a friend this week I excel at making things awkward. 

In my life I try to be very patient and understanding, and I think I generally succeed. But I’ve encountered the most difficulty with older men in power. They say of our younger generation that we act entitled, but I actually see this behavior in them more frequently. And in my own beliefs, power is a responsibility to protect and fight for the people you’re entrusted with not a dominance over them. But today I decided I would start looking at things from their perspective. That just like a fish doesn’t know it’s wet, someone so used to privilege and power can’t truly understand what it’s like not to have it. So I’m going to keep reminding myself of that. And maybe I’ll learn something new. 

On an unrelated note, I learned a new term today anam cara. It means soul friend. I have several, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have them in my life. I was so excited to find a cool word to describe this amazing relationship type. May you all be blessed to have an anam cara in your life. 

http://www.basaltheritage.org/anamcaradesigns.com/meaningofaramcara.html

It’s been a long time since I wrote. I’m back at the lake in MN. I’ve made the difficult choice and left many things behind, including MN in many ways. Sorry, dear readers. It’s probably just for a time. The hero’s journey ends in a triumphant return after all, but we’re not there yet. I’m learning to carry the peace of the MN lakes in my own heart. To summon it when I need it. I’ll still need a reminder from time to time. 💜

The air feels right, smells right. I sound right. I act right. It’s all so easy. My body instantly relaxes despite the circumstances. Home. I realize how deep the homesickness goes. Like all my fears, I fear that if I engage I will never find my way out.

But then I remember the struggle. For more meaning. A higher purpose. And I remember the lives I have hopefully touched. And I hope I’ve chosen the right difficult for now. 

Whew! Talking about how busy you are really isn’t that interesting, so I won’t spend much time on that, but I will say we have finally got our new hire on board! I hope to have more time for the blog now, and reaching out to friends in general. I am working through the list. I’ve talked to one sister and my mom this week. The talk with my mom is the inspiration for this post.

My mother is an amazing caretaker for 4 adult men. A new consumer moved into her house recently. He asked her if she had a daughter who went by Prudi Bakke in sixth grade. Well, that was a blast from the past! Who reading this was around for the Prudence days? Yes, indeed, for a whole year nearly everyone called me Prudi. I’m still trying to bring his face into focus, but I think I remember the man who moved into my mom’s house.

I asked if I was nice to him. She said yes, he was very fond of me. It was a great lesson for me. Because wouldn’t that be an unfortunate situation for him if he had to live in a home with the mother of someone who was unkind to him? And for me and my mother if she had to be confronted so vividly with the unkindness of her daughter? Now, I don’t consider myself a mean person, but there certainly are people I am less kind to than others.

The lesson here for me is that you never know what lies ahead. My actions live on, and I reap what I sow. This was a case where I was lucky.

I don’t have much wisdom to share with you all, but I have a rare free moment, and I am thinking of the words my dear friend BB shared with me the other day:

Was it a subtle hint to post? She will likely be offended at the suggestion, but if it was a kick in the pants, it was a good one. I miss my dear team at LOL, so so much. I remember once telling them that we had something special, and no matter how we wished it would it wouldn’t last, so we should savor it. Then Todd left for Pepsi, and it seems like good things are happening for him. And I left for PSU.

I am learning so much, and working with students is so invigorating. If anyone bemoans students today, don’t listen. They never fail to impress me. We were in the middle of a particularly difficult test on Friday when suddenly a student who doesn’t work with us poked his head in the door and asked if we needed help. He got right down to work. Every time he finished a task, he asked what he could do next. Gift from the universe. When I told him, I’d get a him a gift card for helping, he said, ‘Oh no, you don’t have to do that.’ What a gem?! Another student who was working this tricky test on his very first day in the SEC picked up every task with amazing speed.

That is not to say to doing new things doesn’t come without its challenges. We still haven’t replaced our lab manager Rachel. She was so amazing, and we are missing her dearly. The long hours have been difficult on the family. The Cooking Light diet has been basically abandoned. Although, I did lose my 5 holiday pounds and have been holding steady since. I am hoping to renew my focus on health soon. Friends who have not heard from me, I hope to be in touch soon. I’ve never dropped so many balls in my life, and it is an uncomfortable feeling, but I believe that too is part of the learning process.